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Broke Wife, Big City
Eat your heart out, Rod Serling
By Aprill Brandon
By reading this column, you’re traveling through another dimension. A
dimension, not only of sight and sound, but of the contents of your
wallet. A journey into a heinous land whose boundaries are those of
your credit limit. Next stop – the Credit Card Zone.
The place is here. The time? Now. Street scene: summer. A woman is on
the sidewalk, pacing back and forth as she talks on her cell phone.
Age: Thirty-something. Occupation: Hack writer.
Meet Aprill Brandon, a fiscally irresponsible woman with a penchant for
ridiculously high heels and new books. In just a moment, Mrs. Brandon
will enter a world where logic and reason have no meaning. A world
where only confusion, misdirection and “let me transfer you” reign. For
an otherwise ordinary day, this simple phone call is about to take a
turn for the worse.
“Hello. Please enter your 16-digit credit card code.”
1234-XXXX-XXXX-XXXX
“Thank you. For security purposes, please enter the last four digits of your Social Security number.”
5XXX
“Thank you. All our available operators are currently busy. Please wait for the next available operator.”
Doo-doo-doo-dah-dah-dah-bum-da-doo-dah…
(Two hours later…)
“Hello. This is Steve. Welcome to customer service. How can I help you today?”
“Hi, I’m calling about the debt cancellation policy I signed up for
when I first got this card. I keep getting charged each month for it,
which is making it hard to pay off my card, and so I’d like to cancel
it.”
“All right, ma’am. We don’t handle those policies, so I’m going to
transfer you to the third party company that does. You’ll be redirected
to a menu and when it prompts you, you’ll want to choose Option Three,
OK?”
“OK. Thank you.”
“Hello. Welcome to Account Protection Services. If you are calling
about your debt cancellation coverage, press One. If you are calling
about processing a claim, press Two. To return to the main menu, press
Nine.”
“Um…(presses three)”
“I’m sorry. I do not understand this command. If you are calling about your debt cancellation, press One…”
“…(presses one)…”
“Hello. This is Linda. How may I help you today?”
“Hi, Linda. I’m trying to cancel my debt cancellation policy for my
credit card. I was transferred to an automated menu by customer service
and pressed Option One and I got you.”
“OK. Well, we’re not the ones in charge of those policies, so I’m going
to transfer you to the department that handles that. You’ll be
redirected to a menu and you’ll want to choose Option Three.”
“Oh, but wait, the last time…”
“Hello. Welcome to Account Protection Services. If you are calling
about your debt cancellation coverage, press One. If you are calling
about processing a claim, press Two. To return to the main menu, press
Nine.”
(One hundred hours later…)
“Hello. This is Haashim. How may I help you today?”
“OK, look. I know this isn’t your fault, but I’ve been on the phone all
afternoon and have been transferred to at least seven different
departments or in some cases, completely different companies. I’m just
trying to cancel the debt cancellation policy on my credit card. But I
keep getting sent to a menu where I’m told to choose Option Three. Only
there is no Option Three. There is never an Option Three. All I want is
to talk to a human who can cancel this policy. Can. You. Cancel. This.
Policy?”
“Oh, I’m very sorry to hear about all your trouble, Mrs. Brandon.
Unfortunately, we do not have the power to cancel the policy in this
department. I suspect, however, the other operators were transferring
you to the wrong menu. Let me transfer you to another menu, which
should have Option Three.”
“BUT THERE IS NO OPTION THREE! THERE’S NEVER AN OPTION THREE!”
“One moment, please…”
“Hello. Welcome to Account Protection Services. If you are calling
about your debt cancellation coverage, press One. If you are calling
about processing a claim…”
“(Rocking back and forth)…There is no Option Three…There is no Option Three…There is no…”
Aprill Brandon. Age: Thirty-something. All she wanted was to begin a
new life of fiscal responsibility. But in the end, it turns out the
price for such a goal was her sanity.
It can happen. In the Credit Card Zone.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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