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Broke Wife, Big City
How To Have A Proper Family Movie Night
By Aprill Brandon
Excitedly announce you are having A Family Movie Night!
Wait for the cheers and applause that never come.
Watch as everyone immediately starts to argue about what to watch.
Browse Netflix.
Calmly make suggestion.
Get greeted by groans and dramatic tears.
Gently remind everyone this is supposed to be fun.
Browse Disney+.
Argue some more.
Break up fist fight.
Argue some more.
Take weapon away from preschooler.
Let out primal maternal scream.
Make executive decision to watch a movie everyone has seen 576 times already.
Bring out snacks during opening credits.
Listen to complaints that it is the wrong brand of root beer, no one likes popcorn anymore and can we order a pizza?
It’s all we have, when did that happen, no.
Listen to more groans and dramatic, loud protestations.
Get angry.
Start yelling back.
Now everyone is yelling.
Dog is barking.
Everyone is yelling at dog to stop barking.
Order stupid, dumb pizza.
Pause within first five minutes for Potty Break No. 1.
Answer first question about basic plot of the movie they’ve seen 576 times already.
Politely ask kid who keeps repeating every line to stop repeating every line.
Start absentmindedly discussing grocery list with partner.
Get shushed by kids.
Exchange look with partner and secretly do lewd gesture behind their back.
Answer 12th question about basic plot of the movie they’ve seen 576 times already.
Pause for Potty Break No. 3.
Shoot down request for more candy.
And more root beer.
And the popcorn that no one likes anymore but is somehow all gone.
Remind kid who keeps repeating lines to stop, please.
Tell shusher kid to stop shushing repeater kid.
Break up “I can’t hear, shut up” wrestling match on floor.
Answer 33rd question about basic plot of the movie they’ve seen 576 times already.
Pause for Potty Break No. 7.
Throw pillow at the kid who won’t stop repeating every line and scream “knock it off!”
Pause movie so you can have family discussion on why that wasn’t actually child abuse.
Pause for Potty Break No. 12.
Sigh in relief that it’s finally over and you can stop stress eating pizza.
Put kids to bed.
Finally start unnecessarily violent movie the adults have been wanting to watch forever.
Jointly fall asleep 12 minutes in.
Wake up on couch unable to turn neck for the next three days.
Forget whole horrifying ordeal by day four because you do not brain
good anymore ever since the children have systematically killed off all
your decent remaining brain cells.
Repeat next week.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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