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Broke Wife, Big City
39 Things I’ve Learned in 39 years
By Aprill Brandon
1. As it turns out, living through interesting times really is a curse.
2. Living through interesting times, however, means there are no rules anymore regarding pants.
3. Anything can be a breakfast food. The only limit is our imagination.
4. My husband looks really hot as Grizzly Adams.
5. I look less hot as Frida Kahlo.
6. Money can’t buy happiness. But it can buy useless crap off Amazon when you’re stuck at home during a global pandemic.
7. Speaking of which, roller skating is not like riding a bike. You don’t just automatically remember how to do it.
8. Spending quality time with family is the most important thing there
is. Until it is the only thing there is. Then secretly eating a beef
burrito in the bathtub becomes pretty important too.
9. I now know why my dog runs to the window and barks anytime he sees a single human being. Or another dog. Or a leaf.
10. Children are strong.
11. Children are resilient.
12. Children better stop rolling their eyes at me every time I tell them to brush their teeth.
13. Yes, you have to use toothpaste.
14. Teachers are mystical unicorn warriors and they deserve all the
money and jewels and exotic oils for putting up with our children.
15. No matter how many times you are forced to watch “Frozen II,” it won’t kill you. You think it will. But it won’t.
16. Ditto “Moana.”
17. Ditto “Toy Story 4.”
18. Forts are still fun, no matter what your age.
19. Dance parties are still fun, no matter what your age.
20. If you’re going to call someone essential and a hero, they deserve to make a living wage.
21. It’s ok to like how the “Star Wars” saga ended even if no one else did.
22. It’s ok to hate how “Game of Thrones” ended because everyone did.
23. One way to get rid of a dead body is to feed it to your tigers.
24. Uncertainty isn’t always bad. Uncertainty is the soil where change
can start to sprout. Or something like that. I don’t know.
25. My family is composed of a toxic mix of sore losers and sore winners and, in some cases, poor spectators.
26. Level 8 of Super Mario Bros. 3 is a dystopian hellscape and it’s stupid and no one can pass it and I hate it and it’s dumb.
27. Twister is a young woman’s game.
28. It’s never ok to cheat unless you’ve been playing Go Fish for an
hour and your 3-year-old keeps holding her cards the wrong way and you
just need the game to end.
29. Ditto Old Maid.
30. Ditto Candyland.
31. I think I say this every year on this list but I feel it bears repeating. Nazis are bad. Always. No exceptions.
32. Speak up and fight for what is right.
33. Teach your kids to speak up and fight for what is right.
34. Boxed wine is less judgmental than bottled wine. Boxed wine doesn’t care how many glasses you have.
35. Life is too short to read mediocre books.
36. Life is just long enough to binge watch all seven seasons of “Parks and Recreation” again, however.
37. You can never tell people you love them too much.
38. It’s always ok to ask for help.
39. Never give up. There is always the chance that this all turns out
alright. That we rise up and overcome everything history has been
throwing at us. That we end up making the world a better place and we
become the next greatest generation. That many years from now we will
tell our grandchildren “back in my day, we ate murder hornets for
breakfast, kid.”
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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