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Broke Wife, Big City
Welcome to the Neighborhood
By Aprill Brandon
(Based on only a slightly exaggerated true story...)
Oh hey, hi! Hi! You must be our new downstairs neighbors. So nice to
finally meet you! We’ve seen you moving your stuff in. Not that we were
creeping on you from the windows or anything. OK, maybe just a little
bit. Haha! Kidding. It was a lot.
Sorry. Am I coming on too strong? I’ve been told that before. Although
I’m sure that’s coming as no surprise to you. I mean, just look at me.
Our very first meeting and I’m standing here on the porch holding two
martinis and a stack of Captain Underpants books while wearing my
jammie jams. My daughter and I were just getting ready to drop these
off at the neighbor’s house down the street. You know, as one does. Ha!
See, last week they dropped off some beer and some children’s books and
now we’re just returning the favor. Kinda like a traveling children’s
library bar thing. So it’s, you know, less weird than it looks.
2020, amiright?
Oh, speaking of which, this little imp beside me is my daughter Mae.
She’s three. And I’m just now realizing she’s not wearing any pants.
Sorry. At least I wrestled her into some shoes and a mask, eh? What’s
that? Oh, that’s just a toy knife in her hand. It came from her
brother’s kitchen set he got last Christmas. She’s named it Stabby.
Takes it with her wherever she goes. It’s not sharp. So, no need to
worry. Sweetie, say hi to the new neighbors. No growling, we talked
about this. *whispers* She hasn’t really been handling social
distancing well.
So, you’re renting out the first floor, yeah? I know they’ve been doing
renovations for months down there but didn’t realize they were HONEY,
STOP YELLING FROM THE WINDOW. We’re talking to the new neighbors. THE
NEW NEIGHBORS! Well, if you want to meet them get down here then! Oof.
Kids, huh? I mean, you two don’t have kids... I’m assuming. Oh good. I
mean, children are the greatest things on Earth and also simultaneously
the worst. Speaking of which, here’s my other one. This is my son,
Riker. Could not be more proud of him. He survived three months of
kindergarten with a lazy teacher that cursed profusely and day drank.
In my defense, what is up with math these days? What’s that? Oh ha!
Yes, it is quite the outfit indeed. He loves that winter hat. We can’t
seem to wrestle it away from him even though it’s June. Although I
think it goes well with the shorts and cowboy boots.
And this here pair of eyeballs sticking out of that jungle of facial
hair is my husband, Ryan. He’s been working from home since March and
has only had one day off in, like, ten weeks so he’s a bit feral at the
moment. At least he showered. Like, three days ago, tops. Right,
sweetie? Yes, fine, you can go back inside. You did your 30 seconds of
daily interaction.
Men, amiright?
What’s that now? Oh yes, I know exactly what noise you’re talking
about. That’s our dog, Buffy. Buffy the Male Dog. See, I didn't know he
was a boy when we got him. Actually I did but I really wanted a dog
named Buffy because I thought it sounded hilarious. And it kinda just
made it funnier that he was a boy. ANYHOO, that loud hacking sound is
just one of his old man noises. He’s almost 15 and has accumulated
quite a lot of them. I know it sounds awful and like he’s dying but I
assure you he is not. The devil himself is going to die before that old
bag of bones does.
Ha! H...a...
Sorry. I didn’t mean to start crying. I just love that stupid, smelly
dog so much. I’ll die if I ever lose him. You know? Do you have pets?
No? No pets and no kids. No wonder you look so...what’s the word? Not
frumpy. Well rested. Happy.
By the way, the red car with the gray hood and the duct taped window is
ours. But we are happy to share our driveway with you if you ever need
it. We don’t use the car much anymore anyway. See, this one time a
storm blew a fridge into the car and it’s a long story but on the plus
side, we did recently take it to the mechanic and both doors open now
and there is no longer an exhaust leak inside slowly killing us all.
So, anyway, I better drop these drinks off on our neighbors porch like
the good little booze fairy I am. Huh. That didn’t sound very
politically correct. Sorry. Gee, can you tell I haven’t been around too
many people lately? Ha! I tell you what, I miss people so much. Hey! Do
you guys happen to roller skate? Yeah, no, that's ok, it was a long
shot. I’ve been trying to learn so I can justify drunkenly buying a
pair of professional grade ones so if you ever hear me screaming like a
banshee at a high speed down the street, it’s just me learning my
lesson.
Oop, and one last thing. If you hear our fire alarm, don’t worry. It just means dinner’s ready.
OK, well, lovely to have finally met you and all. Sorry we are ridiculous people. And welcome to the neighborhood!
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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