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Broke Wife, Big City
Where’s My Coffee? A Remote Schooling Pop Quiz
By Aprill Brandon
Q: If I wake up at 7 a.m. and remote schooling starts at 8:30 a.m. for
my first grader and 8:45 a.m. for my preschooler, at what time will I
take my first sip of coffee? Please show your work.
A: 9:07 a.m. Because the children got up at 6:59
a.m. and began immediately fighting and demanding things and the dog
pooped all over the only carpeted area in the house and everyone wanted
something different for breakfast. Carry the one nerve I had left
over.
Q: If I am helping one child with a math assignment in the dining room
and then the other one yells for my help during her small group live
instruction in the bedroom, where will I eventually find my coffee
after a frantic search?
A: On top of the bookshelf in the hallway.
Extra credit question: Will it still be hot?
A: Nope.
Q: What is my favorite brand of coffee to make at home?
A: Starbucks
B: Dunkin
C: That fancy one I can’t pronounce
D Any that finally finds its way into my hands.
Q: Where do I most often find my coffee?
A: In the microwave. Where I warmed it up 40 minutes ago.
True or False: Whoever finishes the pot of coffee has to make a new pot.
True. RYAN.
Q: If my preschooler is having a meltdown because she can’t cut out her
shapes perfectly and my first grader is going on another angry rant
about how he hates school and he knows everything already so why does
he even have to get on Zoom, will I slip out to the front porch or the
back porch to enjoy five minutes of peace with my cup of coffee?
A: Trick question. They discovered that’s where I hide last week. The answer is now the basement.
Q: During the afternoon, if I scour the entire house for 20 minutes for my coffee but still cannot find it, where is my coffee?
A: The coffee never existed in the first place because I am going insane.
B: An interdimensional portal that opened up because it’s 2020.
C: Does it even matter? It’s
just easier to just get a new cup and find the old one six months later
when it has grown fur and possibly consciousness.
D: In the bathroom where I
optimistically brought it an hour ago in the vain hope of finding two
minutes to brush my teeth.
True or False: Some people don’t drink coffee.
False. Probably. Who are these people? And what magical elixir do they drink to prevent familial homicides?
Q: If it’s a half day Wednesday and both kids have different schedules and extra long Zoom sessions, how do I like my coffee?
A: With whiskey. Hold the coffee.
Q: What is an appropriate amount of coffee to drink in the year of our Lord 2020?
A: ALL OF IT.
Essay Question: How is coffee made?
Little caffeine fairies collect the magic beans in the enchanted forest
and give them to dragons, who roast them. They are then collected by
really hip dressed baristas and distributed to the masses, who mix it
with hot water to make that bewitching hot bean potion that keeps the
world running with its life-giving and slightly addictive properties.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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