|
 |
Broke Wife, Big City
I got your scratch and sniff right here
By Aprill Brandon
Hey, here’s something you might not know. Apparently historians believe
the ancient Egyptian were the ones who invented stickers. Archeologists
have actually found remains of sticky paper plastered on Egyptian
market walls that were used to display the price and description of
goods.
Here’s another fun tidbit. Modern stickers got their start from a man
going by the very fancy moniker of Sir Rowland Hill. He invented an
adhesive paper in 1839 (which eventually led to the first postage
stamps).
Oh, and, amusing little fact, another man with an excessively fancy
name, R. Stanton Avery, is credited with inventing the first self
adhesive label in 1935, leading the way for the sticker as we know it.
All of which is a very long way to say I don’t know why all these
people listed above hate me and want to ruin my life. All I know is
that they have been very successful in their endeavor. Because stickers
are indeed destroying my life. My home. My wardrobe. And whatever
little bit of my sanity that is still sticking around. (HA! GET IT!
“STICKING”! HA! HA!).
OK, fine. Maybe you’re right. Maybe all these people had no idea the
destruction and havoc their invention would wreak on my small little
world. But even so, just because you can invent something, doesn’t mean
you should. So screw you, anonymous, innovative Egyptian merchant! I
hope you drowned in quicksand or however ancient Egyptians typically
died back then.
They’re just everywhere. Stickers on the walls, the floors, on every
stuffie, on at least half the books. Oh, and on me. All over me. My
arms, my legs, my clothes, my shoes. One minute there is a child asking
to sit on my lap and the next I am covered in stickers from head to
toe. With everything else, they have the fine motor skills of a drunk
baby panda, but give them a sheet of stickers and they suddenly have
the dexterity and rapidity of a seasoned neurosurgeon.
I don’t even know where these stickers are coming from. How are my kids
keeping their supply line going in the middle of a pandemic? They’re
not even in school. We’ve been doing remote learning since September
and the city has been on some level of lockdown since March. Is there a
neighborhood black market for stickers that I am unaware of? Did they
finally figure out my Amazon password?
WHO KEEPS GIVING MY CHILDREN STICKERS?
That last question isn’t rhetorical. I want names. Addresses. Lists of weaknesses and biggest fears. I will have my revenge.
You know, back in my day, we had respect for the sticker game. We
played with them the way God intended, by moving them from the sticker
sheet immediately to our sticker album. And there they would stay for
all eternity. There was none of this free range sticker nonsense the
youth believe in today, just putting stickers wherever they feel like
whenever they feel like it.
And I hear you. I do. It could be worse, you’re saying. It could be the dreaded (*whispers*) glitter.
But nope, I disagree. I would actually prefer glitter. Because while
glitter never, ever goes away, the worse that will happen if it gets
all over me is that I will look like either a stripper or a fairy and
honestly, I’m fine with both.
But stickers? I get covered in those bad boys and 1. when I rip them
off they rip out all my body hair and 2. they always end up still stuck
on my clothes after I put them in the wash, leaving their weird residue
all over everything. And this may come as a shock to some of you but I
am not the type of mother who is going to Google “how to get sticker
residue off of clothes” and then actually try to get the sticker
residue off of the clothes. I am the kind of mother who gets angry and
curses and then just walks around in clothes with permanent sticker
residue on them because I am tired and lazy.
Sigh. You’re right, you’re right. Perhaps I am overreacting. This has
been a tough year and all. The kids deserve to find fun where they can
find it or whatever. I guess (*mumbles*) even though stickers are stupid and dumb and I hate them and I will find you black market sticker dealer.
Well, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go take a butterknife and try to
scrape the stickers off our hardwood floors and the ceilings because
the little one has discovered she can climb all the way up the
unsecured bookcase now.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
|
|
|
|
