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Broke Wife, Big City
Blame it on the alcohol
By Aprill Brandon
Guys, I did something stupid. Something really stupid.
I got drunk last night and paid off a student loan.
I’m not even sure what came over me. It was so reckless, so impulsive.
I mean, what was I thinking? We are in the midst of a pandemic.
Democracy is crumbling. Corruption is rampant. All our institutions are
teetering on the edge. We are staring down the possible beginning of
the end.
And what do I do when facing the apocalypse? Drunkenly make a mature,
responsible decision for the future. Start paying off debt like there’s
actually going to be a tomorrow.
I admit I’ve always been a bit self-destructive but this is a new low,
even for me. I’ve gone so far around the bend of self-destruction that
I am now self-helping myself into a better life that likely leads to a
better credit score during ARMAGEDDON. Which really shows you the depth
of self-loathing I must harbor. What idiot finally decides to get their
life together but only once it probably doesn’t matter?
I’ll give you a clue. She’s super hungover right now.
I’ll be the first to admit I’ve been drinking more lately. The stress of *gestures widely to everything*
has been getting to me. But I thought I had it under control. I never
thought it’d come to this. I never thought I’d actually use our hard
earned money for something that didn’t provide instant gratification.
Yet the details keep coming back in bits and pieces this wretched
morning. It was my second, no, my third drink of the night. OK, yes, we
all know it was my fourth, shut up. My husband was giving the kids a
bath. I was alone with my laptop. It started so innocently. I just went
in to pay off my monthly statement. Something I’ve been doing since I
graduated in 2004. Maybe on a different night, maybe on a sober night,
things would have been different. But on this particular evening, when
my eyes passed casually over the remaining balance, unseemly thoughts
started forming.
“Gee, that number actually looks manageable.”
“Golly, like I could just pay it all off.”
“Right now.”
*hiccup*
“I wouldn’t even have to dip into our savings.”
*burp*
“What if I just…”
And then I just. This is what you get when you abandon bottled wine and
start buying boxed wine because it’s less judgmental, kids.
I should be spending money on overpriced Renaissance Festival dresses I
only get to wear once a year! I should be tracking down how to buy my
own llama! Or, hell, three! If there was ever a time to justify the
purchase of a pimped out RV I absolutely cannot afford, THIS IS IT.
But OH NO. Not me.
Sigh.
I really expected more of myself.
Actually, no I didn’t. Because honestly, what else can you expect from
a woman who started running after the birth of her second child, not to
get in shape, but to punish her body and mind for convincing her that
having two kids was a good idea.
(LIARS. IT WAS NOT A GOOD IDEA. ONE MORE LAP AROUND THE PARK SO THEY CAN THINK ABOUT WHAT THEY DID.)
But all this does lead to the more distressing issue that this is what
I do when I’m drunk now. That’s how I celebrate my lowered inhibitions
when I am on the cusp of 40. By NOT buying overpriced candles I can’t
afford in bulk followed by chugging craft beer with an irresponsible
alcohol content I had delivered followed by purchasing $100 worth of
food from the local pizza place, which I eat until I want to die?
Who am I? What kind of grown-up monster have I become?
I haven’t even told my husband yet. I’m still too ashamed. Is this the
same woman he fell in love with? The same one he married? The carefree
girl who would get drunk in bars and then blow the rent money on giant
stacks of books and boots with varying amounts of fur? Followed by
ordering $100 worth of food from the local pizza place, which she ate
until she wanted to die?
I mean, what’s next? Texting people back in a reasonable amount of
time? Starting a college fund for at least one of the children? Finally
tracking down my social security card which has been lost inside this
house for almost a decade?
It’s enough to make a gal want a drink.
But at least this time I can take comfort in knowing that I have a
second federal student loan with a much, much higher balance that I
can’t even attempt to pay off right now.
Or probably ever.
Cheers.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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