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Broke Wife, Big City
A van after my own heart
By Aprill Brandon
It’s been said that fortune favors the bold. Which, if true, would
explain a lot about my life. At best, I can probably be described as
casually feisty. And that’s only after an entire pot of coffee.
So, fortune doesn’t so much favor me as ignore me most of the time and
then suddenly remember I’m there, which is when she surprises me with
either a slightly larger than normal tax return or a weird skin
disease, depending on how she is feeling that day.
It’s worked out fairly well so far, however. I love my life even though
there is a shocking lack of money, jewels OR vast kingdoms in it. It’s
also usually a pleasant surprise when things just happen to fall into
my lap and work out.
Take, for example, how my family and I recently found ourselves the
proud owners of a van. A Honda Odyssey, to be more precise. From 2003,
not to brag. Tan in color, in case you weren’t jealous enough. It’s a
van totally suitable for a woman such as myself who firmly grabs life
by the coattails and just hangs on for dear life.
How we acquired this van is also very on brand with my lifestyle
choices. It was already parked in our driveway. Which was a big selling
point for me. It was the van our landlord’s handyman’s right hand man,
Jacob, used to haul right hand handyman stuff around in. He was like,
you guys want this? And we were like maybe? And he named a decent
price. And we were like, I mean it’s already here.
That was big selling point No. 1. Because I personally would rather
shove some butter knives slowly into my eyeballs than set foot on a car
lot.
Selling point No. 2 was that I have spent the last 16 years riding
around in the car I got my last year of college. A car, may I humbly
add, that now has two, count them two, working doors thanks to George
and Mike down at Alewife Auto. I don’t know if any of you have ever had
the pleasure of riding in a two-door 2004 Hyundai Accent but it’s
basically one step above a clown car. There was barely room for me in
there. Then I added a husband, a dog and two kids. Plus all our crap. I
don’t know if you’ve ever had the pleasure of riding in any car with
small children, but they need to take every single thing they own. And
no less than 47 snacks. The breaking point though was our recent
vacation to the middle of nowhere in upstate New York. We drove four
hours each way and we were packed tighter in that car than... well,
than nothing else because nothing else in the world was packed as tight
as we were in that car in all of history. And while painfully unfurling
myself from the pretzel position I had been sitting in, I said to
myself “never again.”
When, what do you know, lo and behold, there was a van! Ours for the
taking! Once the check clears (fingers crossed)! Fortune had briefly
glanced my way again and shrugged her shoulders!
Her name is Brunhilda, because she’s going to be towing around a bunch
of tiny ginger Vikings. (And yes, my friend Melissa and I came up with
the name after drinking beer with a very high alcohol content). I
haven’t driven her yet. But I did go sit inside. Y’all. Y’ALL. The
sheer amount of SPACE in these things. It felt like it went on forever.
Like that dolly zoom effect they do in movies where suddenly all
perception is distorted. I probably could have done a cartwheel in
there. If I wasn’t so scared that doing a cartwheel at my age would
result in a permanent injury.
Needless to say, I have big plans for our Big Lady.
Road trips.
Camping.
Drive-in movie theater nights.
Carpooling somewhere, anywhere, with anyone, anytime.
Daytime mommy naps followed by daytime wine drinking. Followed by another mommy nap.
My writing office.
A new podcast studio.
World’s smallest rave party.
The possibilities are endless.
I’ll admit, it’s nice to be excited about something. This year, oof.
This year. Well, you already know. It’s the kind of year that makes
buying a 17-year-old van one of the lone bright spots.
But hey, hasn’t it also been said that life is not about what you have,
it’s about what you do with what you have? And what I have now is an
old ass van named Brunhilda and the name of a dude willing to paint a
van mural of a mostly naked Viking woman riding a pink unicorn that is
shooting flames out of its mouth.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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