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Broke Wife, Big City
Dungeons & Dragons for Dummies & Delinquents
By Anneke Brandon
In a misty corner of the Forgotten Realm, on an old road leading into
the city of Neverwinter, three strangers meet at a crossroad. Each is
coming into the city for the same reason, having been summoned by a
dwarf named Gundren Rockseeker.
“Greetings. I am Anneke, an Eladrin Ranger.”
“Hi! My name is Princess! Princess the Princess Daring!”
“I’m Orko and I’m a wizard. But you can’t see me because I cast a spell of invisibility. And I have lasers in my eyes.”
Alas, the wizard was wrong. He had neither the spell for invisibility yet nor did he have lasers in his eyes.
“Aw, man. Not fair.”
The quest is a seemingly simple, if mysterious, one. The adventurers
are to bring a wagonload of provisions to the settlement of Phandalin,
with Gundren offering ten gold pieces each. The dwarf is secretive
about the reasons for the trip but ten gold pieces has put no one in
the mood to ask questions.
And so, the ranger, the wizard and the cleric…
“What’s a cleric?”
The ranger, the wizard and the priest are walking along the High Road
when they veer east along the Triboar Trail. Soon they spot two dead
horses in the road, each with several feathered arrows sticking out of
them.
“Where are the arrows?”
The arrows are in the butt area.
“Hahahahaha!”
“He said ‘butt!’”
“Sigh. We approach the dead horses.”
Suddenly four goblins run out of the bushes and attack. Do you want to…”
“Hit them in the eye. With an arrow. Two arrows! Ninety-seven arrows! Ninety-seven fifty eight arrows!”
Princess the Princess Daring hits a goblin in the eye with one arrow.
“I throw more arrows at his face!”
The goblin with the arrow in his eye is already dead.
“But I want to do more things to the goblin!”
“Since I’m a wizard, can I do magic to bring the goblin back to life?
So we can kill him again? Using the spell Banana Poop Poop?”
“Hahaha...poop.”
Orko the Wizard tries to cast the spell Banana Poop Poop to bring the goblin back to life but the goblin is still dead.
“That’s not fair!”
“YEAH. I WANT TO DO MORE KILL-Y STUFF.”
“OK, well, I’m going to make a side quest to the kitchen to get more wine.”
While Anneke goes off on a noble side quest to refill her comically and unnecessarily large wine glass...
“...I heard that…”
...the remaining goblins continue to attack. Princess the Princess Daring…
“Can I throw art supplies at them?”
“Art supplies. That’s dumb. You’re a dumb princess.”
“You’re dumb!”
“I throw an ax at Princess the Princess Daring’s head.”
“I punch Orko in his stupid face.”
“Oh yeah, this is definitely bringing us closer together as a family.”
“Can we play this again tomorrow?”
“Where did the Dungeon Master go?”
“If I roll a 20, you guys want to see me chug this wine?”
“Yeah!”
“Yeah!”
To Be Continued…
Probably.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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