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Broke Wife, Big City
Good thing I’m not one of those sentimental moms
By Aprill Brandon
I vowed long before I ever had children that I would never be one of
those overly sentimental mothers. You know the kind. The ones that make
keepsakes out of their children’s teeth and first baby curls, like some
sort of socially acceptable child body part hoarder. The ones who ugly
cry at their kid’s preschool graduation ceremony (like that’s actually
a thing, an actual important event). The ones who “ohh” and “ahh” and
frame little junior’s drawing of a green horse that looks, let’s be
honest, like a terminally ill Jabba the Hutt.
But not me. Nope. I mean, come on. The whole POINT of having children
is to raise them and then get rid of them. To turn them into fully
functioning adults who can deal with their own boogers and climb off
the couch in a manner that doesn’t resemble a skydiving incident gone
horribly wrong. Yet these weepy parents want to keep their kids in some
sort of infantile limbo, nostalgic for the days when their precious
babies hollered from the bathroom “mom, come wipe my butt!”
Pfft. Pathetic.
And then…
And THEN…
You knew there was an “and then” coming, didn’t you? Of course you did. You’re not an idiot like I am.
And then I had children.
My son, my eldest, needed a haircut. His first. Too many “stop chewing
on your hair” reprimands and running into the wall boo-boos because his
bangs were blocking 87 percent of his vision finally pushed my hand.
Not that I was putting off his first haircut or anything.
That would be too sentimental.
I waited until the morning of the day he was going to have his pictures
taken by my photographer cousin. Not that I was waiting until the last
possible moment or anything.
That would also be too sentimental.
It just happened to work out that way. And don’t you dare think for one
second that me scheduling the hair appointment to coincide with a trip
to visit family in my hometown in Ohio (800 miles from my current home
in Boston) just so my high school friend would be the one to cut
Riker’s hair had anything to do with sentimentality. It didn’t, ok?
It didn’t.
It was simply because I couldn’t stand the thought of some stranger’s
dirty, disgusting hands pawing through my baby’s pristine ginger curls
and heartlessly chopping them off like they DIDN’T EVEN MATTER. Like
they weren’t made from the most precious stuff ON EARTH.
And yes, I’m sure that the fact that I asked Samantha if she could cut
me off just ONE of his curls as a keepsake might look, from the
outside, like a sentimental request. But I was just being practical. In
case, you know, something, god forbid, ever happened to Riker and we
needed a sample of his DNA to give to a mad scientist who would then
use it to create Riker’s identical clone.
And sure, then asking her to cut off another keepsake curl might seem a
bit ridiculous, but hey, you never know. Something could always happen
to Riker’s clone and it’s always good to have a backup-backup plan.
And ok, fine. Perhaps asking for that third curl to also be cut and
gingerly wrapped up in plastic was overkill. But what if, I don’t know,
a fire destroyed the first curl and then a plague of hair-eating
locusts destroys the second one? What then, huh? Am I still being
overly sentimental? Or just incredibly reasonable and forward-thinking?
So, plainly, as you can see, I have kept to that vow I made long ago to
never be one of those overly sentimental parents. Even now with Riker
about to turn 6 and my youngest preparing to go to preschool next year
and the fact that I can’t remember the last time she fell asleep on my
chest and that he no longer gives me a hug and a kiss before walking
into his classroom and tomorrow they will both be leaving for college
and they’ll never call and then move across the country from me and
I’ll never see them but maybe next year, Mom, and the cat’s in the
cradle and some crap about a silver spoon or something...
…Sigh…
And all of that will be just fine by me. Just fine.
I have my shrine of baby curls, a pile of preserved baby teeth and that damned ugly Jabba horse drawing to keep me company.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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