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Broke Wife, Big City
Lord of the Remote
By Aprill Brandon
I don’t like to think of myself as dramatic, but every once in awhile a
scene like the one described below occurs and I have to humbly accept
my imaginary Oscar for best dramatic performance in a domestic
situation.
Son: Hey mom, can we watch “Lord of the Rings”?
Me: (dropping everything in my hands) I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT SINCE YOU WERE BORN.
Son: Mom, are you ok?
Me: (grabbing special edition extended DVD boxed set) Sit down and prepare not to do anything for the next 13 hours!
Son: Can I go to the bathroom?
Me: No.
I’m kidding, of course. I let him go to the bathroom.
Once.
The point is, we really are living in a magical time. A time where
technology makes it possible for us to share everything we've ever
loved and obsessed over with our children. EVERYTHING. Most of it at
the click of a button. Even more amazing is that it’s something we
already take for granted even though this instant nostalgia wasn’t
around even a mere generation ago.
I have no idea what my mom’s favorite TV show was when she was growing
up. This is mostly because as her child I was genetically inclined to
think everything she liked was dumb and therefore of no interest to
me.* But also she had very few outlets to share these things with me.
Reruns and VHS tapes were pretty much it and that was only if some
balding, cigar-chomping, TV executive (I’m just assuming they were all
like that in the ‘80’s) decided they were worthy of reruns and/or VHS
immortality.
Meanwhile, my children have seen my favorite childhood TV show, “David
the Gnome,” so many times they could write a passable doctoral thesis
on it in multiple crayon colors. (Alas, my favorite childhood movie,
“The Neverending Story,” didn’t go over as well because us ‘80’s kids
were built of stronger stuff and didn’t get hysterical every time a
beloved horse character committed suicide via swamp quicksand).
It’s not just movies and TV shows either. Thanks to the Nintendo
Classic Edition, my kids and I have spent hours playing Mario Bros.
together, side by side, just like I used to do with my cousins. The
only difference now is that I’m finally the best player and my generic
Mountain Dew has been replaced by generic Merlot.
I’m basically getting to relive the best parts of my pop culture past
while bringing my kids along for the ride. This is an extraordinary
power and like all extraordinary powers, it’s super fun to abuse!
Take, for example, the fact I’ve been trying to force the Harry Potter
books onto my firstborn for years. Pretty much once a week we have some
version of the following conversation:
Me: You ready yet?
Son: For what?
Me: (in bad British accent) ‘arry Potter!
Son: No.
Me: How about now?
Son: Nope.
Me: Now?
Son: Please stop, mom.
Me: Accio Interest!
And THEN, after buying multiple Harry Potter Lego sets and T-shirts and
light up wands and a sorting hat and discreetly playing the movies in
the background and leaving the books scattered all over his room, my
son brought home a worksheet from kindergarten and under the question
“What is the title of a book you want to read?” he wrote “Hrry Pottr
Nubrw 2.”**
Did I trick him into wanting to read the books? Did I gaslight my own child? Did I grift my own flesh and blood?
Yup.
It’s just, my kids have the WORST taste in entertainment. It’s all
“Little Einsteins” and “Paw Patrol” and “Muppet Babies” but not the
awesome old “Muppet Babies,” the new ones with the weird penguin.
They don’t even like the good Disney movies. All the Disney movies ever
made right there at their fingertips and they keep requesting “Sleeping
Beauty,” the one where the princess is worthless and does nothing and
has one job, not to touch a spindle, but what does she do? She touches
a spindle because she’s human garbage.
So, while I would never dictate what my children can and cannot like,
because that would be wrong,*** all I’m saying is that while they are
still too little to figure out our three remotes and the convoluted
sequence of magic buttons you have to hit in order to make them obey
your every command, I’m merely going to gently guide them in the right
direction.
The right direction, of course, being “The Goonies.”
*Except John Denver. I love John Denver and will always love John Denver, despite the fact my mom insists on loving him too.
**First,
so cute, right? Second, I have no idea why he wants to start with the
second book in the series but gaslighters can’t be choosers.
***Right? It would be wrong? Or...no, no, it’s wrong.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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