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Broke Wife, Big City
Quarantine Letters from the Homefront
By Aprill Brandon
March 12, 2020
My Dearest Husband,
It feels like yesterday I held you in my arms, only for us
to be ripped apart by this cursed virus that is sweeping the country.
What I wouldn’t give to see your face again. Alas, I know you must do
your duty, though it is a most difficult one, and figure out how to
turn our diminutive bedroom into a viable home office.
Though only a door separates us, it may as well be an
ocean. For you are a world away, valiantly battling the Zoom app with
its broken video link and internally struggling with the weighty
decision of whether you care if your boss sees you in your pajamas,
whilst I stay on this side, taking care of hearth and home in my yoga
pants. We are walking an unknown road together yet apart, my love. But
never doubt where my heart lays.
The children send you their deepest affection and this drawing of a pirate ninja unicorn.
With All My Love,
Your Devoted Wife
March 13, 2020
My Darling Husband,
I thought perhaps I saw a glimpse of your unshaven face
shuffling around in your robe early this morn and my heart leapt at the
sight of it. But by the time I called out, this specter had already
refilled his coffee mug and disappeared back into the murky depths of
the bedroom. Oh, my beloved, when will the world return to normal? I
fear we will not come out of this as the same people we once were.
To distract myself, I am helping our eldest learn to read.
His teacher has been most accommodating, sending numerous worksheets to
be printed out at home and link after link after link after link of
educational things we ought to be doing. I admit it is most
overwhelming but I find courage within myself by imagining how
burdensome it is for families across this nation of ours and knowing I
must do my part as well.
Eternally Yours,
Your Faithful Bride
March 16, 2020
Dearest Love,
I am trying, somewhat in vain, to remember how hard all
this must be on our children. The world has gone mad and if their
mother cannot make much sense of it, what chance have their young minds?
Yet, I still do not feel that is a reasonable excuse to
steal all my lipsticks and paint the dog in various vibrant and
long-lasting hues. Oh yes, that is indeed what your children just did.
The little one also just blew a raspberry in my face when I divulged to
her that there would be no cookies for breakfast.
Well, as you can imagine, it took everything I had to
spare any and all rods. But as it says in the scriptures, children are
a gift and a reward. Although if I do recall correctly, Jesus never had
any children of his own and God stopped after one.
I feel my delicate constitution cannot take much more of this, dearest. Which is why I drank all your beer.
Love,
Your Temporarily Jovial Spouse
March 17, 2020
Husband,
As I write this, it is late morning. A dreary, rainy
morning sure to turn into a dreary, rainy afternoon. Already the
children have broken a chair and the hound has vomited on the rug
before deciding to poop in the only room that has carpet. ‘Tis not
quite the auspicious day I was hoping it would be.
But I strive to take heart in the small things, such as it
being the Day of Saint Patrick. I felt it only appropriate to
participate in the festivities, if but alone. And early.
Relatedly, we are out of wine. Also the vodka from the freezer is gone.
P.S. Did you eat my leftovers? They were clearly labeled
with my name, darling. If you wanted eggrolls, you should have ordered
some for yourself when I asked what you wanted from Golden Dragon
yesterday.
Signed,
Your Hangry Wife
March 19, 2020
Dear Ryan,
Supplies are low and morale is flagging. I had to squash a
coup d’etat when word got out that there were no more fish sticks. I
know it is a fraught journey to the grocery store in these awful and
uncertain times but seeing as how I am hungover (you know my delicate
constitution) I feel it is essential that you go.
I will miss you, oh husband of mine, as you embark on this
treacherous voyage. But how lucky am I to have such a considerate
partner who leaves behind dirty socks all over the house as a constant
reminder of his presence in our life during these troublesome days.
Regards,
Wife
March 20, 2020
Ryan,
I’m going for a walk. I threw an entire box of Cheerios on
the floor so the urchins should be occupied for awhile. I am uncertain
of when I shall return.
P.S. The children set the kitchen on fire.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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