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Broke Wife, Big City
The Battle of the Back Porch
By Aprill Brandon
I just surrendered my back porch. I’m…I’m not even sure how it
happened. One minute I’m sitting out there with my cup of coffee,
enjoying the spring sunshine, and the next…well, the next I’m on the
losing side of a vicious battle I didn’t even know I was involved in
until it was too late.
It all started with the carpenter bee. One minute I had a lovely view
of the back of my neighbor’s house and the next my entire field of
vision was filled with a gigantic buzzing bee face. He just hovered
there, awkwardly staring at me, while I stared back, frozen with fear.
It stayed that way for what felt like an eternity, the two of us locked
in a gaze of death, until I finally got my senses back and threw my
coffee into his friendly little bee face.
Oh sure, the carpenter bee probably meant no harm. And technically
neither did I. I didn’t want to hurt him. But I’m a big believer in all
things Nature staying a comfortable distance away from me even when I
am technically in Nature.
Now, that whole episode in and of itself wasn’t that big of a deal. But
then, not even five minutes later, a wasp decided to check out the
situation. Having used all my ammo on the carpenter bee, I used the
only weapon I had left, which was screaming and swatting my arms around
like an idiot.
Then it got quiet.
A little too quiet, if you know what I mean.
And just when I thought it was all over, that’s when, for the first
time in recorded history, a wasp and a carpenter bee put aside their
differences to come together to defeat a common enemy.
Granted, I can’t be too sure of the details considering they hatched
their plan out of my sight, but I’m pretty confident what happened next
is the bug version of an ’80’s movie montage.
SCENE ONE: Bee and Wasp, both indignant over my treatment of them,
spread out a blueprint of my back porch and look very serious while
pointing at things and sticking pencils behind their ears.
SCENE TWO: Rapid-fire images of them running up steps, lifting weights,
boxing each other, running up steps again, dragging a Matchbox car
behind them with a tiny rope, playfully squirting water on each other
from their water bottles, close-up of their bug muscles in action and
finally reaching the top of the steps where they do a total rip-off of
“Rocky.”
SCENE THREE: Obligatory dressing room scene where they take turns
coming out of the dressing room dressed in different
military/ninja/soldier gear while the other one shakes his head no,
followed by one coming out in a ballroom dress (for some cheap laughs),
finally followed by the perfect outfit, which is exactly what they were
wearing before.
SCENE FOUR: The two of them sawing some wood and welding things for some reason.
All of which culminates in the following ingenious plan: For no less
than 15 minutes, I was held hostage in the corner of my porch while
these two played out their evil plan. The carpenter bee hovered over my
face no matter where I went while the wasp repeatedly dive bombed my
head. They had even anticipated my counter-tactic of crawling across
the porch floor, military-style, in a desperate bid to reach the door.
It’s all kind of a blur now, but somehow, by some miracle and no
shortage of pure, unadulterated bravery on my part, I managed to
finally run inside and slam the door behind me, leaving them glaring at
me from behind the glass.
And that’s where they still currently are. Manning their posts.
Refusing to let me back outside. And laughing their tiny, stupid,
bug-faced laughs.
I guess I really only have myself to blame. I did strike the first blow.
Although, if my friend Billy is right, this whole harrowing experience
was actually a conspiracy, with the bee and wasp running interference
for some shady caterpillars cooking up meth in the corner.
Can’t get enough of Aprill? Can’t wait until next week?
Check out her website at http://aprillbrandon.com/
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